So once again I was the most pissed person at the Christmas do yesterday, ably supported by The Usual Suspects (the *nice* colleagues). I thought the only part of the day I had forgotten was the journey home but I am beginning to realise that there are a lot more blanks than I thought there were. I don't think I want to know the details that are slowly emerging. Ah well. I'm now off til the new year by which time there will be far too much wine under the bridge for me to still be the biggest pisshead the world has ever seen. Hopefully. I mean, there's always Amy Winehouse.
If the Chinese Calendar had a Year of the Arse, 2007 would have been it. What a thoroughly crap 12 months we have had. I think the very fact that OK! magazine's Christmas cover depicts excrutiatingly dreadful glamour model Jordan as the Virgin Mary (you'll need to scroll down) sums up what most people have thought of 2007: namely, are you taking the piss? Roll on 2008 I say. Thank you and good night.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
leth talk about thecth
Last night I met up with a delightfully filthy friend from out of town. Over jugs of cocktails rather appropriately named after the seven deadly sins we talked about sex for three hours, at which point FF had to catch a train back from whence he came. FF is recently single and attracting all sorts of interesting females. The current squeeze apparently likes to talk dirty. Which would be fantastic were it not for two minor details: a) she has a lisp and b) she likes to use the word pussy rather a lot. I am still laughing about this.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
I need a new job
1. On Friday night I finished work at 9pm. At which point my boss told me that I am a 'strange mix between being brilliant and pathetic'. This was because he asked me a question about a department that I couldn't answer because the department itself didn't know. Cheers.
2. I found out yesterday that one of my colleagues, who has cheerfully told me that he's marking time until retirement (he's in his 40s) and has no sense of doing things quickly, to wordcount or to deadline, is being considered for promotion. Is that really all you need to do - sit tight and be average? Why don't they teach you that at school?
I'm in a strange mood at the moment. I feel very hormonal, for no apparent reason. MC is getting the brunt of it and I can't really explain why. I think maybe we're spending too much time together, but that's not a good sign after 4 months is it? On Sunday we had far too much to drink and then attempted something.... experimental.... which didn't quite work out as planned. Maybe that's why I'm mad at him - I'm still in pain. Although it was all my idea and I was a very consenting adult, I hasten to add.
2. I found out yesterday that one of my colleagues, who has cheerfully told me that he's marking time until retirement (he's in his 40s) and has no sense of doing things quickly, to wordcount or to deadline, is being considered for promotion. Is that really all you need to do - sit tight and be average? Why don't they teach you that at school?
I'm in a strange mood at the moment. I feel very hormonal, for no apparent reason. MC is getting the brunt of it and I can't really explain why. I think maybe we're spending too much time together, but that's not a good sign after 4 months is it? On Sunday we had far too much to drink and then attempted something.... experimental.... which didn't quite work out as planned. Maybe that's why I'm mad at him - I'm still in pain. Although it was all my idea and I was a very consenting adult, I hasten to add.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
deep breath
Okay. So, last week, when I had the, erm, little problem, I had to give a sample of wee to the doctor. I took my antibiotics like a good girl and the infection has cleared. Or so I thought. Today I got a voicemail saying that 'it's nothing to worry about' but can I 'please call the doctor asap'. So I did but by the time I got the message the person who had rung had left for the day so I now have to wait until 8am tomorrow to find out what's going on.
Shiiiiiiiit. Hypochondria runs in the family - but I've never had anything like this before.
Shiiiiiiiit. Hypochondria runs in the family - but I've never had anything like this before.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Smooth criminal
Ooh. I have been tagged by the very cute Kab. Because I'm in an indulgent mood, and also because I feel too lazy to write about my weekend of Scottish debauchery, here we go. The rules are simple. Put your iPod (yes, yes, I know other MP3 players are available) on shuffle and answer each question with the random song that comes up when you click next. Stick with it - it's better than you think. The one about my parents (no 16) actually brought tears to my eyes. I have over 3000 tracks on my computer and it picked that one.
If you want to have a go, be my guest - but most importantly let me know too so that I can have a nose.
(Oh - all will become clear about the title of this post at the end)
1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Demonique (Aim). So there.
2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Stanway’s revenge – Sidewinder (Groove Armada). Okay. One for the therapist. Obviously some anger issues there. And some snakes. Angry snakes? Jesus, I’m scary.
3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
All the king’s horses (Joss Stone). Insert obligatory joke about stallions here.
4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Sofa rockers (sofa surfers) (Kruder & Dorfmeister). True – I am very tired. Driving out to rescue a stranded MC from Oxford Circus at 12.30am on a Sunday night was not conducive to end-of-weekend relaxation time.
5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Lovers in the back seat (Scissor Sisters). I knew it all along.
6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
El capitalismo foraneo (Gotan Project). Vive la revolution (and in a nod to capitalismo, vive la shoe fund).
7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Twelve (Jurassic 5). I have some strange friends.
8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
I don’t wanna lose my way (hmm not sure who this is by, it’s from an old Cream dance album). I think they were more worried about this happening to me than the other way round.
9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Track 8 (Franz Ferdinand). I have strange friends because quite clearly I am strange too.
10. WHAT IS 2+2?
Through the window pane (Guillemots). Maths was never my forte.
11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Into the valley (Skids). Well, if she’s off to the valley I’m coming too… armed with plenty of champagne and a few canapes.
12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
California dreamin' (the Mamas and Papas). Um, we’re going to New York next year (Geography was never my forte either).
13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Me and my monkey (Robbie Willams). Couldn’t have put it better myself, Robbie. I may have to rename this blog.
14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
In my arms (Snow Patrol). Well, ideally not in my own arms. Although it's probably an easier ambition.
15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Situations (Jack Johnson). Too right.
16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
I miss you now (Stereophonics). Oh my God. I can’t believe that came up. I miss you too. x (A couple of weeks ago I dreamt that my father phoned me. I know it was only a dream but now every night before I go to sleep I can't help but ask him to call me again. He hasn't).
17. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
In the ghetto (Elvis). And they say romance is dead.
18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Love Foolosophy (Jamiroquai). Hmm, surely this and no 17 should be reversed?
19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Don’t (Elvis). Why not? It’s fun.
20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Switch (TLC). But don’t tell anyone.
21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Bloodthirsty bastards (Dirty Pretty Things). Again, I am not making this up. Sorry friends. But the iTunes shuffle has spoken ;)
22. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
Smooth criminal (Alien Ant Farm). Ooh. Told you it would all make sense eventually. Now go back to sleep.
If you want to have a go, be my guest - but most importantly let me know too so that I can have a nose.
(Oh - all will become clear about the title of this post at the end)
1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Demonique (Aim). So there.
2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Stanway’s revenge – Sidewinder (Groove Armada). Okay. One for the therapist. Obviously some anger issues there. And some snakes. Angry snakes? Jesus, I’m scary.
3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
All the king’s horses (Joss Stone). Insert obligatory joke about stallions here.
4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Sofa rockers (sofa surfers) (Kruder & Dorfmeister). True – I am very tired. Driving out to rescue a stranded MC from Oxford Circus at 12.30am on a Sunday night was not conducive to end-of-weekend relaxation time.
5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Lovers in the back seat (Scissor Sisters). I knew it all along.
6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
El capitalismo foraneo (Gotan Project). Vive la revolution (and in a nod to capitalismo, vive la shoe fund).
7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Twelve (Jurassic 5). I have some strange friends.
8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
I don’t wanna lose my way (hmm not sure who this is by, it’s from an old Cream dance album). I think they were more worried about this happening to me than the other way round.
9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Track 8 (Franz Ferdinand). I have strange friends because quite clearly I am strange too.
10. WHAT IS 2+2?
Through the window pane (Guillemots). Maths was never my forte.
11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Into the valley (Skids). Well, if she’s off to the valley I’m coming too… armed with plenty of champagne and a few canapes.
12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
California dreamin' (the Mamas and Papas). Um, we’re going to New York next year (Geography was never my forte either).
13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Me and my monkey (Robbie Willams). Couldn’t have put it better myself, Robbie. I may have to rename this blog.
14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
In my arms (Snow Patrol). Well, ideally not in my own arms. Although it's probably an easier ambition.
15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Situations (Jack Johnson). Too right.
16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
I miss you now (Stereophonics). Oh my God. I can’t believe that came up. I miss you too. x (A couple of weeks ago I dreamt that my father phoned me. I know it was only a dream but now every night before I go to sleep I can't help but ask him to call me again. He hasn't).
17. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
In the ghetto (Elvis). And they say romance is dead.
18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Love Foolosophy (Jamiroquai). Hmm, surely this and no 17 should be reversed?
19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Don’t (Elvis). Why not? It’s fun.
20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Switch (TLC). But don’t tell anyone.
21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Bloodthirsty bastards (Dirty Pretty Things). Again, I am not making this up. Sorry friends. But the iTunes shuffle has spoken ;)
22. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
Smooth criminal (Alien Ant Farm). Ooh. Told you it would all make sense eventually. Now go back to sleep.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
How to make a good impression
Doctor: so, yes, you definitely have an infection. I'm going to give you a course of antibiotics.
Me: Oh, great, thanks.
[pause]
Me: So, um, will I be able to drink alcohol while I'm taking them?
Doctor: Well, it's not advisable. But [leans forward confidentially and winks] you can have a glass of wine.
Me: Ah, that's um, nice.
[another pause while Doctor looks up my records on her PC]
Doctor: Hmm, there is one note that's popped up on the computer. It says I should ask you about your smoking...?
Me: Smoking! Oh no, I don't smoke anymore. I gave up ages ago.
Doctor: Right. When, exactly?
Me: [thinks hard and tries to ignore cigarettes smoked last Wednesday]. About erm... 4 years ago?
Doctor: Well done! [like hell you did]. Well, here's your prescription, hope you feel better soon.
Me: Um, sorry, just one more quick question. I mean I haven't, errr, been, you know, while I... but when can I, um, well, er, [speaks really quickly] WHENCANIHAVESEX?
It's a good job I work in an industry that requires me to be articulate, eloquent and diplomatic at all times isn't it?
The answer, by the way, is whenever I want to! hurrah. But here's a top tip: always go to the toilet afterwards and try to wee. Here endeth the lesson (I hope).
Me: Oh, great, thanks.
[pause]
Me: So, um, will I be able to drink alcohol while I'm taking them?
Doctor: Well, it's not advisable. But [leans forward confidentially and winks] you can have a glass of wine.
Me: Ah, that's um, nice.
[another pause while Doctor looks up my records on her PC]
Doctor: Hmm, there is one note that's popped up on the computer. It says I should ask you about your smoking...?
Me: Smoking! Oh no, I don't smoke anymore. I gave up ages ago.
Doctor: Right. When, exactly?
Me: [thinks hard and tries to ignore cigarettes smoked last Wednesday]. About erm... 4 years ago?
Doctor: Well done! [like hell you did]. Well, here's your prescription, hope you feel better soon.
Me: Um, sorry, just one more quick question. I mean I haven't, errr, been, you know, while I... but when can I, um, well, er, [speaks really quickly] WHENCANIHAVESEX?
It's a good job I work in an industry that requires me to be articulate, eloquent and diplomatic at all times isn't it?
The answer, by the way, is whenever I want to! hurrah. But here's a top tip: always go to the toilet afterwards and try to wee. Here endeth the lesson (I hope).
Monday, December 3, 2007
annoying afflictions
I've had a few in my time... coughs are obviously very irritating; teenage spots are unavoidably embarrassing (although these days I tend to view the occasional blemish as a sign of youth - despressing ain't it) and experiencing explosive tummy problems in the cubicle adjoining that of my best friend is an episode I have simply blocked from my memory.
While my latest illness isn't mortifying on a major scale, it is slowly driving me mad. I have cystitis. And it's not going anywhere. I actually thought I'd managed to shift it at the weekend, so promptly went out and drank a vat of white wine in celebration. And now it's getting its revenge. I am under strict instructions from all my girlfriends to drink water at record levels (under usual circumstances I average half a litre a day. Today I think I've had about nine) which is supposed to flush it out. But in all honesty I'm getting rather fed up with weeing what feels like vinegar every 20 minutes. It just hurts, okay? Poor MC isn't having much fun either, as a direct result of all this. I bought him a naughty advent calendar on saturday to cheer him up but eating chocolates in the shape of various sexual positions isn't the same is it?
So tomorrow morning, I shall be at my doctors' surgery at the twilight hour of 8am in the hope of securing 2 seconds of time with somebody capable of writing me a prescription for antibiotics. Because of course it would be far too simple for me to do that old fashioned thing of agreeing a particular time in advance to see my GP. I love the NHS. It's the last bastion of bureaucracy at its most farcical, with the possible exception of another organization that's dear to my heart - the one that pays the rent.
While my latest illness isn't mortifying on a major scale, it is slowly driving me mad. I have cystitis. And it's not going anywhere. I actually thought I'd managed to shift it at the weekend, so promptly went out and drank a vat of white wine in celebration. And now it's getting its revenge. I am under strict instructions from all my girlfriends to drink water at record levels (under usual circumstances I average half a litre a day. Today I think I've had about nine) which is supposed to flush it out. But in all honesty I'm getting rather fed up with weeing what feels like vinegar every 20 minutes. It just hurts, okay? Poor MC isn't having much fun either, as a direct result of all this. I bought him a naughty advent calendar on saturday to cheer him up but eating chocolates in the shape of various sexual positions isn't the same is it?
So tomorrow morning, I shall be at my doctors' surgery at the twilight hour of 8am in the hope of securing 2 seconds of time with somebody capable of writing me a prescription for antibiotics. Because of course it would be far too simple for me to do that old fashioned thing of agreeing a particular time in advance to see my GP. I love the NHS. It's the last bastion of bureaucracy at its most farcical, with the possible exception of another organization that's dear to my heart - the one that pays the rent.
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