Friday, March 20, 2009

Stuff and things

Thank you to the lovely Peas on Toast for kicking my ass back into blogging again!

I've been away for far too long. How are you all?

For me, March 2009 will forever be remembered as a month of extreme stress. When someone asks you how you are, and you spontaneously burst into tears, things can't be good - and that's exactly what happened to me yesterday.

So I am taking steps to chill the fuck out. I'm going away for a girlie weekend by the sea with my best friend tonight, and I’m desperately trying to re-introduce the antiquated concept of lunchbreaks into my working week. I figure if I can at least step off the treadmill once in a while it won’t matter how long I’m actually on it in total.

MC and I have been through a bit of a rough patch, for which we are now making amends. We'd got into a really negative cycle of just bringing each other down - talking about all the shite that was happening in our respective lives because we needed to unburden - and then forgetting to share any of the joy.

One night we were out together with friends and we suddenly realised we were seeing a fun, sociable side of each other that we hadn’t bothered to display at home, because while it seemed right to entertain our friends, the notion of entertaining each other seemed to have slipped off our radars.

So last night we went bowling and banned all mention of work. Our bowling skills were atrocious but the whole thing was hilarious and fun, which was of course the entire point.

Work is taking yet another turn for the strange. The powers that be seem determined to mould me into a full-on TV person. In TV terms it’s the nicest thing you can possibly do for a colleague (after all, everyone wants to work in TV, right?) so I’m trying to bury the niggling doubt that I’m not sure whether it’s what I actually want to do. I’m getting very good at burying my head in the sand. Sometimes, it works.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Stormy weather

Ever have one of those days where you just want to walk out and leave the world behind you? Not in an emo angsty kind of way - don't worry. Unless my staff canteen lunchtime special (a small bowl of rather unappetisingly over-salted lukewarm butterbean soup) has other ideas I'm not planning to shuffle off the old mortal coil anytime soon.

No - I just mean… living another life. I'm turning into someone far too grown up for my own liking and sometimes I miss the freedom of just being myself (hmm this is starting to sound like an advert for tampons, or laxatives, or something equally cliched).

So many people rely on me to hold things together and I can't always live up to everyone's expectations. Sometimes there's a real sense of 'oh, it's okay, zuzula will sort it' - whether that's having an extra £20 at the end of the month, or remembering birthdays and anniversaries, or being nice to people that others can't be bothered with.

It's a burden and sometimes I want to shout out: 'it's not easy for me either!'

I'm not Mary bloody Poppins.

But that would be unfair because I'm putting a lot of this pressure on myself, I suppose. It's not like anyone is specifically asking me to do any of this stuff. I just feel it's assumed that I will.

I wonder what will happen when I finally snap. I suppose I'll turn into my mother - a truly terrifying prospect, bless her.

The cold grey skies aren't doing anything to lift my mood.