Ever have one of those days where you just want to walk out and leave the world behind you? Not in an emo angsty kind of way - don't worry. Unless my staff canteen lunchtime special (a small bowl of rather unappetisingly over-salted lukewarm butterbean soup) has other ideas I'm not planning to shuffle off the old mortal coil anytime soon.
No - I just mean… living another life. I'm turning into someone far too grown up for my own liking and sometimes I miss the freedom of just being myself (hmm this is starting to sound like an advert for tampons, or laxatives, or something equally cliched).
So many people rely on me to hold things together and I can't always live up to everyone's expectations. Sometimes there's a real sense of 'oh, it's okay, zuzula will sort it' - whether that's having an extra £20 at the end of the month, or remembering birthdays and anniversaries, or being nice to people that others can't be bothered with.
It's a burden and sometimes I want to shout out: 'it's not easy for me either!'
I'm not Mary bloody Poppins.
But that would be unfair because I'm putting a lot of this pressure on myself, I suppose. It's not like anyone is specifically asking me to do any of this stuff. I just feel it's assumed that I will.
I wonder what will happen when I finally snap. I suppose I'll turn into my mother - a truly terrifying prospect, bless her.
The cold grey skies aren't doing anything to lift my mood.